Why we just can’t get over that man or that woman

Have you ever been so hung up on an ex that months, or even years, later you were still thinking about them, missing them, believing no one else would ever measure up? Maybe you even have someone like that on your brain at this very minute. So, feel free to buy my theory about this or not, but I think that maybe you are terrified. I have worked with many patients who want love – a real partner who will respect them, appreciate them with all of their imperfections and strengths. And yet, they have trouble moving on from someone in the past, comparing every person in the present to Mr. X.

What my patients and I have discovered is that, as long as Mr. X remains on his pedestal, my patient is safe. As long as Mr. X is on his pedestal, representing the love of my patient’s life, the one that got away, my patient knows love. Love is a known entity as opposed to an unknown, unfound thing. Mr. X may, in fact, have been emotionally or physically abusive! He may have cheated. He may have been a drug addict or have had 3 teeth. But if he remains on that pedestal, symbolizing love, then my patient is safe because she believes she knows love. When we take Mr. X off his pedestal, love is unknown. It is still out there, waiting to be found!! Once we take Mr. X down off his pedestal, once we decide that he was just another human person with whom it didn’t work out, the fear sets in. What if we never find love? Isn’t it terrifying to proclaim out loud that you want something so badly, even if – especially if – you don’t know exactly what it is or if you will ever get it?